mother's day + infertility = good grief

this year, i wanted mother's day to be different. i still got gifts (because, hello, showing love) but i wanted to do something that would help me & that would help others in a similar situation as me. i knew that sharing our story helped other people, but i wanted to do more. i wasn't sure what to do, but then one day it hit me.

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wednesday letter: hey, i'm sorry your pregnancy is hard.

i'll be completely honest, when i first thought of writing this post, i was in a very snarky mood. but then i asked myself if i really want to be the snarky girl who is just always angry. & tbh, i don't want to be that girl. one day, i hope to be the pregnant girl or the mom & i hope that if i'm having a hard day, someone will sympathize & empathize with me. so i hope you read this as genuine sympathy & not in a snarky way. 
(p.s. i shared these pictures of whit & her cute evie girl because she is such a sweet mama & also, i think every mom should have pictures like this of them & their baby/babies)

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hey girl,
i saw your post today about how tough morning sickness (all-day sickness) has been for you. i'm so sorry. being sick is seriously no fun. 

hey mama,
i'm so sorry that your toddler threw a fit in the store today. i heard him screaming & honestly, i didn't know what to do. do you want me to pretend like it isn't happening? offer help? give you a "it's gonna be okay." look? i don't know. i've never been in that situation. but know that it's gonna be okay! your little is still learning how to be a human & honestly, sometimes i feel like sobbing while walking around target too. 

hey friend,
i heard about your miscarriage. my heart is literally broken for you. i cannot even imagine & i wish with my whole heart that miscarriage wasn't a thing. i hope your rainbow baby comes so, so soon. if you need someone to cry with, my tear ducts are basically always flowing & i will listen until you're done talking or just sit with you. you are strong. you are brave. & you are so, so loved. 

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hi sis, 
i'm sorry that you're feeling super uncomfortable lately because your babe is coming so soon. i have no advice, just sincere sympathy because ya homegirl really struggles when she doesn't sleep through the night & i hear sleeping is pretty impossible at this point. plus the discomfort & pain of carrying a human being in your belly. you deserve an award, really, you do. 

hi friend, 
you just reached out to me because you're on the infertility train[wreck] too. i am so, so sorry. i hope a little baby comes into your life soon. i hope you never lose hope. i hope you keep trying & keep walking. i hope you can find joy in the journey.

hey girl,
you just announced your pregnancy & i promise that i'm happy for you. i may not say anything & i might not 'like' any of your photos, but it's seriously not you, it's me. i'll come around again, but i need some time. you're gonna be the best mom (or you already are!) & i hope you know that i love you & i am happy for you.

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hey mama,
you're a champion. i can see the love you have for your babies. i can see that you want what is best for them. i can see that you're putting them first. you are doing fantastic & it is obvious that your babies love you. 

hi sis,
you are awesome. don't forget that. & in fact, i think you should celebrate that! treat yo self to something nice or in some way. you deserve a break every now & again. so don't feel guilty for taking one.

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wednesday letter: LITTLE LETTERS

this week has been.... long. but there have been a few exciting things in the works, so i am stoked to get to share those with you in a few weeks when everything is officially sorted out. so stay tuned. this week, i need some gratitude in my life, so this wednesday letter will be some little letters.

dear bloggers,
thank you SO much for working with me! i've only had 4 of my blogger sessions this year, but i have 4 more tomorrow & i just seriously cannot wait! i love working with bloggers & brands. it's challenging & fun. 

dear holidays,
i love you, but i am suuuuuuper glad you're over. so now we can get back into a routine. i already miss christmas music, but i am glad to finally have some structure back into our days. until next time.

dear etsy shop,
thanks for just crushing it. i am surprised daily with new orders & i just am so grateful. 
dear etsy shoppers,
thanks for all of your orders!!! it means so much to me! i'm working on fulfilling your orders as ASAP as possible!

dear utah,
thanks for the weird winter. i just don't even know what to do with myself. we bought a new car specifically for winter because #snow & here you are just rainin' every day. i don't know whether to be happy or sad. so i'll just be happy. :)

dear costco,
one day i'll buy a couch from you. until then, i'll just continue to try every single one you put on your floor. my current favorites are this one & this one. ooooh. and this rocker. (if anyone wants to donate $1000 to the sadie loves couches fund, i will not hesitate to write a blog post about you & thank you profusely for the rest of your life. hahaha. just kidding)

dear ufc, 
we're back. our break was good for my soul, but we're ready to continue on in our journey. 2018 is gonna be good. i can feel it in my bones. 

dear janela bay,
thanks for the good times. i'll seriously miss you guys. it's been an incredible ride. i'm excited to see what you have in store for the coming years!! 

dear san francisco,
i miss you & i've forgotten over & over to post some pictures from our trip. so here they are in all of their glory. 

infertility update + one little letter

it's early sunday morning. i'm the only one awake in the house... well besides mack. (i'm fairly certain he doesn't sleep...) the house is quiet. i turned the christmas lights on just so i could sit alone in their happiness. the only thing that would make this scene more magical are these two things: 1. snow falling outside and 2. a sweet baby to cuddle. while we might be able to have some falling snow this christmas, we won't be announcing a pregnancy or bringing a baby into our home. 

quiet christmas at grandma's | sadie banks photography | letterfolk board | letter board inspiration

i've had quite a few people ask us about where we're at in our journey and what's going on, so here's an update i've been dreading to share. 

we took a break from trying for the holidays. in september, when our round of infertility treatments didn't produce the results we were desperately hoping they would, we decided that taking a break would be our best option until the new year. i was devastated by the negative result (to say the least) and hearing, "call us again in a few days and we will start over" was too much for me. i needed a break. i needed to find my faith again. i needed to enjoy life. i needed to go through the holidays without the stress of hoping that i was pregnant. 

i needed to take a break. and you know what? that's okay

we were told at the beginning of our journey that taking breaks from trying was okay. (thank you, sweet soul who gave us this permission) while you're navigating infertility, your brain tells you dumb things like, "if we don't try this month... THIS might be THE month..." or "if i don't try this month, someone else could announce their pregnancy & that's one less baby in heaven for me..." (as if there's a limited quantity & heaven is running out of inventory) or "if we don't continuously try, people are going to think we're not serious about having babies & just being dramatic." 

to all of these insecurities i say, BOGUS. even if ALL of those things are true-- i hope that one day when i do get pregnant that i will be able to be at peace & so excited. rather than anxious about how long it took or stressed about what could go wrong. 

the last 22 months have been a blur. i feel as though i've felt every emotion on the emotion spectrum. but being able to enjoy the last two months with minimal stress (do you ever stop worrying about this?) in the infertility department of my brain has been completely refreshing. we've really tried to focus on what brings us joy & makes us truly happy right now. spending ample amounts of time with our families, putting up christmas decorations, playing with mack, working (i truly enjoy working...), playing games (parker's fave), exploring salt lake & simply relaxing have helped both of us be able to slow down & smell the roses in our lives. we are so blessed & are so grateful for the wonderful people in our lives who continue to support us day in & day out.

please be aware: we are NOT giving up. we are just simply taking a break. we will try again soon. but until then, we are taking this process day by day and month by month. 

christmas decorations | grandma's christmas decorations | letterfolk board | letter board quotes

to our dear sweet babies, 
i am so, so excited for you to come. i know that you'll make our lives 100% more crazy but 100% more full of love. i'm learning to be patient in waiting for you, which hopefully means that once you get here, i'll be more patient with you. i'm continually learning to rely on our Savior; this is something i seem to have to keep trying at, but i know that when i figure it out, it'll help me to be a better mom. 
we're learning how to make room in our lives for you. (both physically & mentally) when you do get to come into our lives, we want to make sure we've prepared the best we can so that you can live your best life. we're trying to sort out our weaknesses & shortcomings so that you can have a happy life. 
we're slowly getting better at waiting for you. some days it seems like the day you enter our lives will never come & other days i get so nervous because it feels so close. this season of life will never again be, so we are learning to enjoy it while it is here.
we pray for you every single day, out loud & in our hearts. & we can't wait to meet you.

wednesday letter: fourth of july little letters

dear bunkerville 4th of july, 
i missed you this year, but i loved seeing the photos of your festivities! one day we will be back & will get to participate in the watermelon eating contest & 5k again. 

dear provo,
your calm summer nights are killlllllllling me. i'm obsessed with them. also, that hot air balloon party you have for the 4th of july is killer. 

dear scootie,
fireworks chasing on you last night was seriously what my dreams are made of. i'm stoked that we made that new tradition this year.

dear BBQs (aka cook outs for my midwestern friends),
corn on the cob, hot dogs, watermelon & hanging out with friends on a warm summer day is easily in my top 10 favorite things. so thanks for being a thing.

dear mack,
if you could stop nipping at my toes, that'd be great. but you're still fun. and watching you play so hard yesterday that you could barely stand by the end of the night was so fun.

dear fireworks, 
you're loud, but you're beautiful. and you always, always, always remind me of the sandlot. 

dear white shanty,
thanks for letting the community come and take photos in front of your giant american flag. we definitely took advantage of that! (see below)

dear popsicles,
i love you.

dear lady in the smith's parking lot,
thanks for offering us your ikea bag when you noticed that there was no way that we were going to be able to fit all of our groceries onto our scooter. 

dear preston & sam, 
thanks for saving us at smith's. 

dear mom & dad, 
it was so fun hanging out with you this weekend!! come up more!! :)

dear frontier secure,
DEUCES. but really, thanks for the job the last three-ish years. we appreciated it!!

dear boostability,
we are stokkkkkkkked for this new adventure!

dear america,
thanks for being born 241 years ago. your birthday is one of my favorites to celebrate. i'm SO PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN.

dear lee greenwood,
thanks for your hit song, "God bless the USA," that song is my JAM. (and always reminds me of the 3rd grade. mrs. andrus's 2001-2002 third grade class, WHERE YOU AT? do you remember singing that song every dang day??)

dear watermelon,
so, so, so glad you are currently in season!! 

dear creators of the cul de sac of fire,
i love watching your firework shows. there's nothin better than neighborhood fireworks.

dear connor & sam, 
those fireworks rocked. make america dope again. can't wait to party in disneyland with you guys!!!

dear summer,
i just love, love, lovvvvve you. i love how warm & bright everything is all the time! i love how people go outside when it's summertime. i love that kids run through sprinklers. i love that people play whiffle ball in their yards. i love that i can wear shorts! i love that i don't have to wear a jacket or coat! i love that we can go on scooter rides! i love that i can go swimming! i just love everything about you, summer.