wednesday letters: God loves you. i know it. | prepping for #ldsconf

this wednesday letter is a little different. i hope that if you've ever had experiences like this that you'll know you're not alone & that God truly does love you. 


one sunday, parker & i were sitting in sacrament meeting listening to the speakers. well, parker was listening to the speakers, i on the other hand was thinking about relief society-- absolutely dreading it. we had been in the ward for about eight months or so & every week, without fail, i would be asked by someone if we were new in the ward. (in their defense the ward was quite large & had an abnormal amount of turnover with young couples due to the fact that we lived right next to BYU campus) however, this particular week, i couldn't be asked that again. my heart started racing. i started sobbing uncontrollably & couldn't imagine anything worse than having to go to relief society that day. i pleaded to parker, asking him if we could go home after sacrament meeting was over. 

i was so embarrassed. i wasn't the kind of person who skipped sunday school or relief society. i was the girl that sat on the front row who actively took notes during every hour. but as i sat there, thinking about how embarrassed & anxious i was feeling, i realized that the note taking sadie wasn't there. she wasn't in me. i felt so lost & so unsure of everything i thought i knew. 

i thought back to my mission & the wonderful people i was able to come in contact with. about how disappointed they might be with me because my desire to go to church was fading fast. i had a hard time wanting to go to church-- even though i yearned to feel the Spirit. but every time i went to church, i couldn't feel It. i felt frustrated, alone & angry. i would go to church hopeful that maybe this week would be THE week that i would feel the Spirit again the way i used to. that maybe i would get something out of the meetings & classes that would buoy me up to make it through the week without having a breakdown. i was in the middle of the hardest trial i had ever been asked to walk through & i couldn't feel God's love. 

in church classes we would have lessons about feeling grateful, feeling joy, or simply just being happy no matter what your trials were. through these lessons, my heart would scream "BUT WHAT IF I DONT FEEL HAPPY? WHAT IF IM NOT GRATEFUL? HOW DO I FEEL JOY RIGHT NOW?" 

those questions weren't ever answered in lessons. & it took a long time for me to feel the answers come. it took a long time for me to feel the Spirit again. 

one day, as i was feeling particularly low, i tried to think of how i could just instantly feel better. and then i thought of one of my favorite scriptures. in mark chapter 14, Christ is praying in the garden of gethsemane. as He is praying, He asks Heavenly Father to take away His pain. He says, "Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless, not as i will but as thou wilt." and then He continued on in His trial in the garden of gethsemane. He felt every hard feeling. He experienced the pain, the stress, the inadequacy, the heartbreak-- everything. He felt it all. 

"Now I speak very carefully, even reverently, of what may have been the most difficult moment in all of this solitary journey to Atonement. I speak of those final moments for which Jesus must have been prepared intellectually and physically but which He may not have fully anticipated emotionally and spiritually—that concluding descent into the paralyzing despair of divine withdrawal when He cries in ultimate loneliness, 'My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?'...  because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so... Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the truth that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are. Truly the Redeemer of us all said: “I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you].”
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, None Were With Him, April 2009

i realized that sometimes, feeling it all (or even feeling nothing at all) is part of the road we are asked to walk. but i also realized that even though i felt alone, i wasn't. there was Someone who understood my frustration, my pain, my heartache, my yearning, the loss, the desire for happy feelings, all of it. He understood & He was there walking the journey with me. even if it felt like He was staying silent, He was still walking with me. 

after i realized that the Savior & my Heavenly Father DID care & WERE listening, i started trying to listen for Them in my life. i tried to find something in each day that was a little snippet of love from Them. & little by little, each day, i found more & more. i'm still trying to find these snippets of love & be better at recognizing them, but as i try, i see them. i am not perfect. i make mistakes. i forget to read my scriptures. sometimes my prayers are quick & more like a text message than a phone call. but i know God hears my prayers. i know that He loves me. i know that my Savior walked His path alone, so that He could walk my path with me. i know that my Savior loves me. i KNOW that my Savior loves me. 

as i have thought about this post, i've thought about how other people might feel in reading it. what if they think i'm a bad person for having a hard time with church? what if they think, "but she went on a mission, how could she be struggling with going to church?" what if, what if, what if. 

but then i thought, what if someone else is feeling this way. i don't want ANYONE to feel this way. i don't want anyone to feel the shame or embarrassment i felt because i had a hard time going to church. and i thought about the things that were said & done that helped me want to continue to come & the things that were said & done that made me want to stop going. things i had said to people in the past that i wish i could take back or say differently. 

you are so loved. don't forget that. even if you're struggling, you are loved. you are good. you are blessed for trying. God loves you so, so, so much. i feel that. i know that. 


i am so, so excited for general conference. i have such a testimony of general conference. i know that no matter what  you can feel God's love for you during general conference. the Spirit is so strong & i know that even if you're unsure what to questions to ask or what you really want from life, that God will answer your prayers & help you to feel His love while you watch general conference. if you're interested in watching general conference, go here.

i'd LOVE to flood the internet with this simple graphic this weekend. if you'd like to share, on FRIDAY NIGHT (march 30) i will be sharing these to my instagram stories. i'd love it if you would screen shot from either my instastories or from here & shared a quick testimony of general conference with your friends! i know that no matter who they are or what they believe, general conference can help them in some way. 

learning to understand God's plan for me

throughout my life, God’s plan for me has been pretty easy. keeping commandments & doing the little things was just a part of my every day routine. then when the time came for a big decision or change, i would pray about something, make a decision & doors would just open. i’d jump in with two feet & blind faith & the blessings would come. it was easy. & i relied on that ease. 

after coming home from my mission, things started to get, well, less easy. i had to wait longer for the blessings to come. praying & reading scriptures daily suddenly got much harder. 

i still struggle every single day to pray & read my scriptures. in fact, it is harder now than it has ever been because i have had a really hard time desiring to pray & read. every time i try to start a new good habit, the distractions seem to FLOOD in. 

i’ve been pondering & thinking a lot about God’s plan. i can remember times in my life where i was so, so sure that God had a specific plan for me. i wasn’t worried about when or what was going to happen in my life because i knew God was in control. i trusted Him. 

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not that this isn’t the case anymore, please don’t misunderstand. i know God has a plan. i know He knows ME. but lately, i’ve felt frustrated with my Heavenly Father & His plan. i’ve tried to understand His plan for me over & over again, but i just can’t seem to get it. 

this morning, a quote literally stopped me in my scroll. i read it & knew it was what i needed to hear. 

i’ve felt like i’m searching for the rainbow, waiting for the rain to pass. but never thanking God for the rain.

i grew up in a town where we prayed for rain. & when the rain came, we were so, so excited & said lots of prayers of thanks. we would even ask for the rain to stay. because rain helped the crops grow & nurtured the land. 

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as i’ve pondered that little parable today, i wondered when the last time was that i was grateful for the rain. have i thanked Heavenly Father for the time i have with just parker? have i thanked Him for the opportunity to live with my sweet grandmother? have i thanked Him for our cute mack who teaches me about love & forgiveness every day? have i thanked Him for the opportunities that He gives me to have a job that i love? have i thanked Him for the doctors that have helped us at our appointments? 

the rain in our lives us what helps us to grow. if we spend our whole lives looking for the end of our trials, we won’t ever learn from them.

today, i am resolving to do better at thanking God for the rain in my life. i am so grateful that i can start fresh TODAY because of my Savior. even if i don’t know how or what to do, i can reach up to Him & He will help me find the way. 💕

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8 things i learned because of my lds mission

facebook reminded me that i have now been home from my mission for 3 years. time has just flown since i've been home, but sometimes it feels like i was a missionary in missouri and illinois just yesterday. and there are some lessons that i learned as a missionary that will just never be forgotten. 

1. not everyone will agree with you, and that's okay.
this lesson was so hard for me to learn. i didn't understand why anyone would reject the gospel. IT'S THE HAPPIEST NEWS. but as i continued through my mission, i gained a greater love for people-- even if they didn't agree with me or the gospel. i wish i would have learned this sooner because i spent a lot of time being frustrated that people didn't agree with what we were teaching instead of just loving them anyway.

2. everyone deserves to feel loved. no matter what they've experienced in their lives.
my life has been so, so, so blessed. i met some of the most amazing people who had been through the worst possible things in life and they were searching for love. as a missionary, i was called to represent Jesus Christ and i learned through my mission that even though sometimes these horrible things were brought on by their own actions, if Christ were there, He would have loved them through their hard times, picked them up when they stumbled, and encouraged them to repent and be better-- in the most loving of ways. 

3. there is a fine line between working hard and hardly working.
aka if you're working hard on something that doesn't matter or isn't beneficial, then you're hardly working...

4. taking breaks + self care is IMPORTANT.
i used to think that i could just work through whatever came my way. that keeping my head down and just busting through everything would make things better. i was wrong. sometimes, you just need to take a break. take a nap. take a shower. stop and say a prayer. EAT FOOD. write in your journal. do something that makes you truly happy. you gotta look out for yourself. because you can't be a good missionary if you're overworked and overwhelmed. aka. P-DAY IS IMPORTANT. USE IT WISELY.

5. YOU BE YOU. 
one of my MTC teachers told us that if we weren't being ourselves, then we weren't being the missionaries that God called us to be. God wants YOU. He wants YOUR personality. not 80,000 clones of the picture perfect "cookie cutter" missionary. sure, He gives missionaries rules and standards, but He also gave YOU a personality that will help those YOU come in contact with. 

6. numbers don't matter; people do.
in reality, numbers do matter. because behind every number there's a person who matters. love them. teach them. serve them. help them. let them help you. 

7. "those we see daily are the ones God has given us to love."

8. it's okay to be excited to go home.
i remember feeling an immense amount of guilt because i was so excited to go home. and then a fellow missionary said, "i'm excited to go home because my time is up. i don't feel like i need to extend my mission. i served my time and now it's time for me to go home. and i am excited. sure, i'll miss it here, but i am ready to see my mom again." mic drop. same. RT to save a life. 

i think about my mission often. i think about the people that i taught and was able to to serve with. i miss them and love them. because of them i grew closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father. i learned the principles of the gospel + how to apply them to my life. i learned to love the scriptures. i learned so much as a missionary and i am so grateful for the time i spent in missouri and illinois. it changed my life forever.