"It Just Feels So Unfair"

Yesterday, on Instagram, I posted this:
“infertility can be such a lonely journey. there’s so much that happens behind-the-scenes that nobody talks about.

depression
anxiety
fear
sadness
financial hardships
failure

people don’t talk about it because these things are heavy. they’re awkward. they’re uncomfortable. they’re uncharted waters. and it leaves the infertile lonely & feeling like they’re the only one. i’m here to tell you, you’re not alone. you’re not the only one. i’ve been there & i get it. i’m in your corner & i’m cheering you on. i’m here to listen & here to help. please don’t feel like you are the only one going through this.”

I mean every word of that. Infertility is SO hard.

I didn’t think much of it until I received a comment that said, “It just feels so unfair.” And then I received another message from a girl who talked about how we need to share the good, the bad and the ugly of infertility because people just don’t get it.

Two years ago, I would have been like YEAH!!!! BURN THEIR HOUSE DOWN. TELL THEM THEY’RE DUMB AND INSENSITIVE FOR ASKING QUESTIONS. SHOW THEM YOUR MEDICAL BILLS AND BANK ACCOUNTS. SHOW THEM THE NEEDLES WE HAVE TO INJECT OURSELVES WITH. SHOW THEM THE TEARS. BRING OUT THE PITCHFORKS!!!! (okay, that’s a slight over exaggeration, but I was definitely all about being bitter and angry)

But today. Today, I say NO to all of that. And here’s why:

Infertility IS hard. Infertility CAN cause financial strain. Infertility CAN feel unfair. Infertility CAN cause you to feel bitter, angry, depressed and anxious.

But it doesn’t have to.

I understand ALL of those feelings. I really do. I have felt them all. (Even at the same time sometimes!! It happens.) But just because you are feeling something or something is happening doesn’t mean that it is everybody’s business OR that everyone needs to be educated on every little thing that may be happening.

Some days, it DOES feel unfair. That’s just honest to goodness truth. But I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: everyone has hard things. Life is FULL of unfair circumstances and situations. Nobody is immune to trials. We all have them and we all have to learn how to overcome them or learn how to continue in our daily lives with them. I’m reminded every single day that I do not have babies. That’s just a fact of my life. I wake up every morning around 7:00am with a full night’s sleep. To a mom THAT may feel unfair. (Because honestly, when was the last time they had a full night’s sleep?) I also wake up next to Parker every morning. To someone who is unmarried but wanting to get married THAT may feel unfair. What I’m getting at here is that frankly, life just isn’t fair for anyone.

Sometimes our struggles are internal because they are supposed to help US grow. They are supposed to help US be more compassionate. They are supposed to help US become better humans. And then once we know better, we need to do better.

At some point in the last three years (I honestly don’t remember when), I realized that I was a bitter, angry, tiny little human. I didn’t pray. I hated going to church. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I cried daily. I couldn’t remember when the last time I didn’t have a headache was. I would get SO upset when ANYONE posted ANYTHING about pregnancy or motherhood. All of the Facebook Groups and people I followed on Instagram about Infertility only magnified, encouraged and validated my behaviors and feelings. I would get so offended any time Parker would try to help me be happy. As you can tell, I was real joy to be around. And then one day, after snapping at Parker and going to our bedroom to sit in my bitterness, it was brought to my attention that I really did not like the person I was becoming. I realized that I needed to change my tune from “you’re a terrible person because you just don’t get it,” to “hey, you’ve probably never experienced this before, let me help you.”

I decided that I was going to try to make a big change and shift in my behaviors and emotions. I decided that I would congratulate people on their pregnancies-- like REALLY, truly and genuinely congratulate them. I decided that I would write out my negative feelings in my journal or on my phone and then leave them there. I decided that I would educate people on what is actually happening and what the processes are instead of acting like they should just know, when in reality, sometimes I don’t even know. I decided that I would post things that anybody could read (including the boys that I served my church mission with) and not feel weird (aka no needles, no shots, no talk of ALLLLLLL the happenings of my doctor appointments because, ew. gross.). And most importantly, I decided that I needed to enjoy my journey and make my journey enjoyable. For myself. For Parker. And for those around me.

Before I finish. I AM NOT PERFECT AT THIS. I don’t feel like an inspiration. I don’t feel adequate. But I do feel passionate about this. And because I feel passionate about this, I’ve chosen to act on my decisions. Every day, I have to recommit to being happy and choosing to be happy. Some days are better than others. But I’m trying. And that’s what counts. All I know is that I don’t want to look back on this phase of life and think, “Gosh, I was just too happy. I wish I would have been more sad.”

2019 Word of the Year

It feels like January was forever ago, but it also feels like January was a month or so ago. 2018 flew by in a flash but was also drawn out for what seemed like 5 years. But I think that’s because a lot of things happened. There were (as always) lots of changes, fun things, hard times and exciting things. We loved 2018, but we are so, so excited to ring in 2019!

Last year was my first year having a word of the year and I loved it. My 2018 word of the year was Intentional. I like having a word of the year because instead of setting a bunch of goals that I won’t actually get done, I just have to remember my word and it helps me get back on track to my overall theme of the year.

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This year, the word I’ve chosen is LIVE. While I’ve been thinking about the word live, a few goals I want to keep in mind over the year are:

  • Be more alive in my photography & personal Instagram posts - I want to create images that help me feel alive

  • Create a healthier lifestyle - Eat out less & try yoga - obviously to live longer

  • Get out and LIVE. I want to explore more this year & do fun things that we’ve been putting off.

  • LIVE DEBT FREE. I can’t wait to live debt free. We’ve been working on our budget for the last few months and we’re excited to continue tackle our debts. We might not get to being completely debt free, but I hope we’ll get close!

I’ve been feeling so, so, so excited for the new year the last few weeks because for the first time in a long time, I’m very hopeful about the future! I’m so excited about what 2019 will bring. This is my year. I can feel it in my bones. I’m excited to create. I’m excited to build my business even more. I’m excited to continue in our Infertility Journey. I’m excited to get out and LIVE.

What is your word of the year for 2019? Are you making goals this year?

Updating my Winter Capsule Wardrobe

Last year, like I said in my last post, my word of the year was Intentional. One of the things that I did to make sure that I was more intentional about the things I had and the clothes that I wore. I made the decision to change my wardrobe from a bunch of different items of clothing to a capsule wardrobe. I’ve found that capsule wardrobes are the MOST beneficial in the winter when I’m just looking for clothes to throw on (yet still look nice!!!!) to keep warm.

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This Christmas, I wanted to update my capsule wardrobe, so I took advantage of some holiday sales so I didn’t break the bank on my new clothes. One of my biggest tips when you’re creating a Capsule Wardrobe, is to get clothes that you KNOW you will wear. I have been the hugest fan of black and white striped basic tees. I KNOW I wear them and I know that I like them, so every year, I buy a new one (or two).

I also bought some jeans that I’ve had my eye on. They had a little more distressing than I thought they did, but I’m still loving them. I wear them as often as possible.

I also bought some new booties because I didn’t have any cute shoes that weren’t tennis shoes and as it turns out, I didn’t have any winter church shoes, I only had sandals. So a few pairs of new shoes were necessary.

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A few tips that I recommend for creating and updating your capsule wardrobe are:

  1. Shop sales. Don’t be in a hurry to completely update your wardrobe. It took me almost a year to completely update my wardrobe. There are few times a year that there are GREAT sales to shop, so I definitely recommend holding out for sales.

  2. While you wait for sales, figure out what clothes you actually like in your current closet. Pay attention to the patterns, fabrics, sleeve lengths, neckline and anything that you don’t like about the items you wear. I personally, don’t like clothes that I have to wear an undershirt with. That’s just a personal preference for me, but it’s important to me because I know that if I have to wear an undershirt, then I won’t wear the item and it would end up being a waste of a purchase.

  3. Go through your closet to find out what you actually need. Once the colder temperatures hit, I realized that I needed better shoes for church/to look cute when we go on dates during the week.

Do you have a capsule wardrobe? What tips do you have for someone who may want to create a capsule wardrobe for themselves?

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