wednesday letters: infertility: 24, sadie & parker: 0

for some odd reason, hearing “i’m so sorry but your tests came back negative” just never gets any easier. i’ll be real, when they called me this round, i was like, “alright. see you in a few days” and it wasn’t like super hard, but then it always hits me a few days later when i just realize that i really, really hate this. i don’t like doing infertility treatments. 

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i don’t want to be all negative nelly, but i have to be honest, when our car broke down & we had to make a decision to get it fixed (& wait a month or two to continue infertility treatments) or do infertility treatments and work on it later, i was seriously relieved when we decided to take a break for a month or two to fix the car. 

i know it seems dramatic to talk about how i was relieved to take a break, but these dang treatments are so draining that it’s hard to want to continue. don’t get me wrong, i would love, love, LOVE to be a mom & i would LOVE to be pregnant with a babe on the way. but since pregnancy isn’t going to just happen for us, dumping all of our extra money every month into treatments that have yet to work is, well, a bummer. 

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i was on twitter today & a girl was talking about how she grew up her whole life with these expectations disguised as “goals” for life & how she focused so hard on achieving all of her “goals” that once she hit them all at age 21, she felt like she had peaked in life & has had to make the realization that there is life after those milestones. 

the goals were: 
graduate high school
go to college (just go, not necessarily graduate)
get married

and that’s it. there were no plans for after those things. 

i’ve realized that my expectations and “goals” for life were basically the same. 

go to college
get married
live in a house of my own
have babies
(the last two in no particular order)

i went to college & if there ever was a place that i just did not feel like i was supposed to be there, it was college. i had such a hard time while going to college, which was weird because i didn’t struggle with the education part—i actually really love learning, i just didn’t feel like i was supposed to be there & it seemed as though everything was stopping me from progressing in college. nothing ever went quite the way that it was supposed to. (5 years of school & no associates. not for a lack of trying either. i had really great grades!)

i got married. even though after my mission, i thought it would never happen. it did & it was one of the easiest things that has ever come to be in my life. everything fell together. the way that they do when things are just right, ya know? 

i’ve yet to live in a house of my own, but it’s a work in progress. this is actually a legitimate goal. because it can be a SMART goal. (if you don’t know what SMART goals are, google it)

have babies. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. i laugh at this “goal” because as it turns out, having babies isn’t just something you can check off of a list. if you’ve been here for the last year or so, you’ll know that it’s been a rough journey of trying not to give up, learning how to keep faith & hope, & still live a fulfilling & happy life. because here’s the kicker: WHAT IF IT NEVER HAPPENS? 

now, before you prep your fingers for those comments, “you’ll be a mom one day!” “don’t give up!” “it’ll happen when you least expect it!” just wait. 

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this is the second time that i’ve had to learn this lesson & i think that it’s pretty important. before i got married, i was living in my parents’ basement, working a mediocre job, going to online school in a town of 1300 people. my options for marriage were pretty limited & well, i wasn’t getting any younger (at the ripe old age of 22). i was consistently worrying about my lack of options, the fact that i was getting older & that my circumstances weren’t changing in the foreseeable future. 

then my brother-in-law sat me down & asked me what my goals + plans were for my life. i’m pretty sure i gave him a list fairly similar to the list above. & then he asked me this question: “sadie, what would you do with your life if you never got married?” 

i responded, “DON’T SAY THAT!” 

& then he said, “i’m serious. what would you do with your life if you never got married?” 

we then talked about goals that i could set to actually live life instead of just being sad that i wasn’t getting married any time soon. i set goals to go to africa (still on my list), to go on 100 dates, go to three different temples in one week, go to new york, go to hawaii, learn to use a DSLR (manual mode), go to a session of general conference, hike ensign peak, write a book, & see the great salt lake. i accomplished 8 of those goals before i got married. & i was SO happy because of it. i made goals that were actually attainable & measurable. they were goals that were fun & helped me to enjoy life & actually live

so here i am again, almost four years later, asking myself a similar question. “sadie, what would you do with your life if you never had babies?” 

& here’s my list for the next year: 

  1. pay off debt (such a fun goal… but actually, there’s quite a bit of happiness in paying off debt, so i can’t even be sarcastic about that)
  2. buy a house or apartment
  3. publish a book
  4. turn my blog into a business
  5. visit all of the temples in utah
  6. go to a drive-in movie

what are your goals? how are you going to actually live your life this year?