i thank Thee that Thou hast heard me | infertility update

DISCLAIMER: if you're a family member or friend reading this post, thank you for your love. thank you for your support. thank you for being there. thank you for your prayers. please understand that these are the feelings of my heart & that i don't mean for them to hurt. i hope they don't make you feel as though you haven't done enough. you have. you have been wonderful. thank you. thank you. thank you.

i feel something. today, i feel. it’s been a long, long time since i’ve been able to feel real, deep emotions. obviously, every day i feel emotions. but today i let myself feel the sadness & then i realized that i can use the sadness that has taken hold of my life for the last however long & turn it into something that matters. something that helps others. a force for good. 

i don’t know what that is yet, but i can feel it in my bones. i can feel the goodness coming. i don’t know when, but i can feel it. 

sadiebanksphotography-23.jpg

in the last few months, i’ve felt snippets of happiness. i’ve been searching for it, but every time i catch up to it, it’s fleeting. it almost feels like running after a shadow. you can’t really catch it, but you know it is there. it looks tangible, but for some reason it’s just… not. 

sadiebanksphotography.jpg

i heard two quotes today that i have to share:

“every time you get more honest, you get more magical.” - martha beck

“even though i have all these dreams, i have to focus on what’s in front of me.” - joy prouty

i’m searching for the magic of life again. so i have to be honest with myself. this is in front of me. infertility is in front of me. this is my reality. infertility is my reality. as much as i push it away— it is my reality. as much as i try to think, “this isn’t happening to us.” it’s happening to us. even though i try not to let pregnancy announcements hurt; they still hurt. 

PHOTO-NATIVE-2018-sadiebanksphotography-3.jpg

i try not to let my faith wane. but it has. more often than not, i’m crying out, “o God where art Thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth Thy hiding place?” instead of, “i thank Thee that Thou hast heard me.” i’m working on it. it’s a slow process. slower than i expect it to be for myself.

sadiebanksphotography-14.jpg

reality is a hard pill to swallow. it’s easy to live in dream land. it’s easy to live five years in the future. it’s hard to focus on the reality in front of me because i’m not grateful for it. at least not yet. i don't want to face the terrible, horrible screamo music that is currently the soundtrack to the inner workings of my brain. it’s hard to focus on what’s in front of me because i don’t want to be here. i want to be five or ten years down the road, living in my dream house with babies & laundry piling up.

for my entire life, there’s been an unwritten rule to avoid darkness. i’ve been told & understood that you have to be happy, grateful & filled with joy ALL THE TIME or you’re doing something wrong. you’re in the wrong state of mind or you’re not doing the things that you need to do daily to be happy. that if you follow all of the rules, then life will be happy. if you follow all the rules, your trials won’t be hard. if you’re filled with joy all the time, then trials just won’t happen. if you don’t show that there are hard times in your life, darkness won’t come into your life. if you avoid the darkness in your life, the darkness won’t come. but sometimes, the darkness still comes. 

so what do i do? how do i move forward? how do i live in faith & light when it feels like the darkness is constantly surrounding me? how do i not let it affect my marriage, my family, my relationships with others? how do i go to work every single day when i’d rather just do the things that give me tiny moments & happiness highs like pin on pinterest or scroll through instagram— you know, the moments that let me just watch life happen instead of actually living it. (don’t worry mom, i don’t do drugs) 

PHOTO-NATIVE-2018-sadiebanksphotography-20.jpg

i don’t know what tomorrow brings. i’ll take that reality when it comes. but but today, here i am. feeling things today. ready to face the music. today— my reality means feeling. or at least trying to feel. 

i want to feel the magic of life again on a daily basis. i want to live in the moment & in my reality. 

sadiebanksphotography-12.jpg

it seems like since i’ve really been focusing on being intentional in my daily life, doors have opened for me to do what i love, to do the things that set my soul on fire, to do the things that give me life. i’ve been brave enough to get rid of the things that have stopped me from living my best life. it’s hard, it’s scary, but guys, i’m feeling.

and to that, i say, “i thank Thee that Thou hast heard me.” 

sadiebanksphotography-8.jpg

these photos have been a huge part of helping me feel the feelings that have been pent up inside me. i am so proud of this work & i hope that this year, i can create images that i am proud of & images that share my soul. 

studio: @mieshstudio | studio: (north light portraits) @uwestslc | MUA: @nataliekrallartistry  | hair: @citystylebar | styling/wardrobe: @mieshclothing | blank space models:
@rayhowell@lianna_michelle  | jungle model: @lifebypd | north light: @lara.lee.wilson