negative

another negative.

after a month of shots, medications, ultrasounds, tests & hope this negative was a little bit harder to swallow.

but you drink the bitter cup & move on right?

start all over at the beginning of the next cycle just to try it all again?

our bank account fluctuates as much as our hope; more depletion than a full bucket.

i come in contact with others, & i just pray over & over that they'll be kind to me because i don't need more negativity towards myself-- i've got that covered.

"we'll just keep trying!" is getting harder & harder to hear.

while the voice inside me says, "maybe you should just give up. you weren't meant to be a mother."

emotions over take me. the tears never stop.

i'm crazy. i'm hard to live with. i'm cranky. i'm turning into the person i always said i didn't want to be.

i call out to God but wonder if He hears me.

i know He hears me, yet i feel so alone.

i've been clinging to the little faith & hope i've got left as i wonder what God's plan for me actually is.

will i ever be a mother?

will i ever hear someone call me mommy?

will the negative tests ever turn positive?

 

dear sweet friends, 

the questions in this poem are rhetorical. the feelings are real & raw & fresh. & i am asking that you do not comment on this post. i am not ready to answer questions or field unintentionally rude comments. please be considerate.

xoxo, 
sadie

UPDATE:
while i still don't really want to talk about this, i do want friends & family to know that i am feeling much, much, much better after a few days. the first day is just always hard. thank you for your love & support. 
xoxo,
sadie