in december, i had a really tough month. i thought i was pregnant, but after four negative pregnancy tests, i realized that it didn't matter how many times i took those silly tests, i still wasn't pregnant. i cried. a lot. i wanted so badly to be pregnant. i felt so unhappy with everything. i felt like because our little family wasn't growing like everyone else's, i was a failure.
and then we took a trip to new york with some friends. on that trip i felt SO HAPPY to be alive & with parker. i absolutely loved getting to know & hang out with friends. we laughed & made jokes. we ran through subway stations, ate lots of yummy food & walked a billion miles.
at the beginning of the trip we told our friends that we were trying to have kids but it wasn't working. they sympathized with us, told us they were there for us, said, "that sucks, i'm sorry," and then we moved on. we didn't talk about it for the rest of the week.
and that was awesome. i have days where i feel like talking about our situation. and i have days where i want to pretend that it doesn't exist. it's hard because i can't say, "oh, by the way, on may 24th, i won't want to talk about it. but may 4th, we can chat all day long." i suppose that's how it goes with any trial though.
but here's the other big thing: i don't want to be the big elephant in the room. and sometimes i feel like that. sometimes it feels like the only thing people know what to talk to me about is infertility & photography. (granted, i love talking about photography. so continue on if you're chatting about that.)
i have to be honest, we don't really know what we are doing right now. we're not really sure when our next step is going to be taken. we know we want to do infertility treatments at some point. we've set appointments & avoided setting appointments. not because we don't want a baby, but because it's scary & sometimes i just don't have it in me.
yesterday, in relief society, the lesson was based around these two talks:
God Shall Wipe Away All Tears by Evan A. Schmutz
"Come, Follow Me" by Practicing Love and Christian Service by Elder Robert D. Hales
there were quite a few quotes that really hit home for me & that brought me a lot of comfort. if you're struggling through infertility or any trial for that matter, i hope they can help you too.
"the eternal joy of knowing that the great plan of our Father in Heaven really is the eternal plan of happiness. there is no other way to receive a fulness of joy." - evan a schmutz
"many of us have pleaded with God to remove the cause of our suffering, and when the relief we seek has not come, we have been tempted to think He is not listening. i testify that, even in those moments, He hears our prayers, has a reason for allowing our afflictions to continue, and will help us bear them." - evan a schmutz
"if i may speak to you individually--'all ye that labour and are heavy laden'--may i suggest that your personal struggles--your individual sorrows, pains, tribulations, and infirmities of every kind--are all known to our Father in Heaven and to His Son. take courage! have faith! and believe in the promises of God!" - evan a schmutz
"we can take strength in knowing that all the hard experiences in this life are temporary; even the darkest nights turn into dawn for the faithful." - evan a schmutz
"when all is finished and we have endured all things with faith in Jesus Christ, we have the promise that “God shall wipe away all [the] tears from [our] eyes." - evan a schmutz
"if you are suffering deeply, with others or alone, i urge you to let the Savior be your caregiver. lean on His ample arm. accept His assurance. 'i will not leave you comfortless: i will come to you,' He promises." - elder robert d hales
when i first started writing this post (a few months ago), i thought i would write a "things to say" or "things not to say" to a friend who is going through infertility post, but it just never felt right. i want to help others without making them feel bad for things that they might have said or may say in the future. so instead of telling you what you should or shouldn't say, i just want to let you know that sometimes, the best way to support our friends is to be there to lift them. to listen without trying to fix the situation. to give a hug. to invite someone over for dinner. to simply be a friend.
"as we follow Jesus Christ, His love motivates us to support each other on our mortal journey. we cannot do it alone. you have heard me share the quaker proverb before: thee lift me, i’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together eternally." - elder robert d hales