wednesday letter: 12 months and no baby later...

it's been a minute since i've posted a Wednesday Letter and i know it's tuesday... but this has been on my mind & heart for a while now and i'm feeling brave enough to share it today.

the last 12 months have been weird. there have been many, many, many happy days but there have also been more sad, lonely, anxious, hard days than i would like to count. if you read my

last blog post

or saw

this

instagram post, you know that parker & i have been trying to have a baby for the last year.

march is a month that we've kind of been waiting for for the last 6 months or so. but not for something good. something kind of sucky, actually. march marks month 12 unsuccessfully trying to have a baby.

when we first started this journey, a piece of advice that was given to me was

"don't wait for a baby to live your life. hope for a baby, but don't wait for one."

because of this advice, parker & i have put everything we've got into trying to live our lives as happily as possible while hoping for a sweet babe to come into our lives. we've worked on building my photography business, started a pie business, gone on multiple trips, spent lots of time with family & friends, started saving for Photography School and watched a lot of netflix. we've recently started trying our hand at handy work by building a headboard for ourselves. i've bought & sold vintage wedding dresses, written a Wedding Planning Workbook, learned to crochet, read lots of books, rearranged & redecorated our little apartment, hosted parties, met new friends, and unfortunately killed a lot of tiny succulents (poor things). we've had a lot of ups and downs. and i feel like i need to emphasize, we've had a lot of ups!!!

i've really been wanting to go to Photography School -- hence the pie business, but over the last two weeks, i've felt very strongly about getting started on infertility treatments sooner rather than later. so while we will still be actively saving for Photography School & running Pie Place, we will also be putting a lot more focus on infertility treatments & growing our tiny family. which is nerve wracking & exciting all at the same time.

our plans and goals have changed quite a few times as we've sought out what to do with our life and future. but one thing we know for sure,

we want a baby

. we want to grow our little family.   

i'll be real, i'm 100% terrified for a lot of different reasons. 

doctor appointments, costs, doubts (what if it doesn't work??), excitement (WHAT IF IT DOES?!/i'm afraid of being too excited... trust me, that's a thing), the list goes on. oh, and shots. 

i don't like shots... and umm.. have you SEEN the pictures people post during/after their infertility treatments of all of the needles they've used?? if not, google it. unless needles make you queasy. then definitely don't. 

i am trying my best to be better about being brave enough to share more of this journey. writing is one of my outlets in life. i've written down a lot of different thoughts and feelings throughout the past year and hope that in the future i'll be able to share those, but for now, 

bear with me as the courage needed to post things on this subject comes and goes faster than i would like it to.

we are so, so grateful for you all, our dear family & friends. you mean the absolute world to us. we wouldn't last 5 seconds on this journey without you & we feel so buoyed up by your sweet comments & prayers. we feel the strengthened because of your thoughts & prayers & we are so grateful for them. so if nothing else, we ask sincerely for your prayers, support & love.